I'm probably the best worker to possibly hire. I take such pride in everything I do. When I work for a company, I'm not just doing a job, I'm inserting my heart and soul into the very core of the establishment itself. As if by a gigantic turkey baster.
I've never actually basted a turkey. Or have seen a turkey basted. I rarely eat turkey period.
Anyway, after 2,400 manhours at this job so far, it's sort of incredible that I can still come up with new original ideas that make me laugh while simultaneously potentially helping the company.
Best Idea of the Day: Corporal Punishment at work. Around mid-day today, I had this brainstorm: "Why don't we give licks to people at work?" Originally, I thought it could apply to poor work performance, but after discussing the idea with my cube neighbor, we decided it should be instituted for less subjective violations at first - like an employee arrives in late. You show up 30 minutes late, that's two thwacks with a paddle - 1 for each 15 minutes. No problem there. Employee tardiness ceases to occur. Productivity increases. Win-win.
While simulating my paddle-swinging to my cube neighbor, one of the higher ups in the department happened to walk by. So he was like, "Hey, you play golf too?" And being the honest man that I am, I told the truth: "No, I was just talking about instilling corporal punishment at work." The guy was more than thrilled with the proposition, going on about how he considers Team Building to be a euphemism for kicking someone in the groin. Not too shabby. The phrase "Boot Fucking" may or may not have entered the lexicon.
This was the second time that a higher-up employee has overheard my tall tales about how to raise office morale and increase productivity. Just last week, I was explaining about how you could saran wrap the opening of a cubicle and then fill it with packing peanuts as a prank. As if on cue, higher up employee shows up, realizes what we're talking about, and starts laughing. But he was having a laugh, so mission accomplished: employee morale raised.
An Example ThereofChemical Engineering is awesome, but maybe I can parlay that degree plus my ingeniousness and dedication to a higher role in the company, say, like CEO, where I can instill some of these ideas myself.
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