In a world of things that bother me, scare me, make me anxious, and piss me off, I think half of them can be centered around one place. The public bathroom.
But, in general, it's not the bathroom itself. But the people in it.
Oh, the people in it. I've been blogging about this for years. In fact, I can find my first example of documented work bathroom awkwardness over
four years ago.
The sad thing: despite my pleas, nothing's changed. In fact, it may have gotten worse.
So today, sitting in the Wisdom Cube, I decided that my first book would maybe be a non-fiction book detailing proper bathroom etiquette. But, the issue is way more urgent than all that, so maybe consider this a treatment. Publishing companies: you know how to find me. And women: pick and choose the rules applicable to you.
Rule #1: This rule is applicable to all bathrooms. Always pick the urinal least likely to have human contact. If no one is in the bathroom: pick the one furthest from the door. If someone is in there, pick the one furthest away from him. If there are over 2 people, calculate the urinal that has the maximum combined average distance away from them. Practice these steps and it will become like second nature.
Rule #2: No urinal talk. Ever. There's only one thing more awkward than peeing next to someone. Talking while peeing next to someone. I don't care if you're at the urinal and you see a King Cobra fixing to strike the guy next to you. You don't warn him. Business as usual.
Rule #3: Watch your gaze. No unnecessary looking around. You don't have to inspect everyone whose coming into the bathroom. I don't care if you here the smoke monster from LOST open the door and stroll in. Eye on the prize.
Rule #4: Flush. For the love of all things holy. Flush. And if you hate washing your hands, atleast fake it. For all our benefits.
Rule #5: It's not really a
restroom. You shouldn't consider it a break from work. Get in, do your business, get out. I can't express how many times I'm repulsed by someone seemingly lounging in one of the stalls. Whistling. Listening to music. Reading. Talking on the phone. In the privacy of your own home, I don't care if you cook a 5-course meal on your toilet. But at work, no lollygagging.
Rule #6: This is one of the ones that should go without saying, but absolutely no stall talking. This is like the urinal talking rule x 1000. If the building suddenly sets ablaze, you keep your mouth shut. If you hear the oncoming apocalypse, all the more reason to stay quiet. Silence is golden. And I don't care if you're giving birth to a pineapple, no grunting.
Rule #7: No touching. If you're in a bathroom, and you see your old college roommate walk in and you haven't seen him since he passed out at your wedding reception 25 years ago, don't hug him. Or shake his hand. Nod your head and walk out - you'll probably see him some other decade.
Rule #8: Brushing teeth. This is a recent phenomenon that I only noticed something like a year ago, to my great disgust. I don't care if you have a case of potentially lethal gingivitis that will literally kill you unless you brush your teeth - don't do it in the bathroom. Brush your teeth in the office and then spit on the floor. Generally, the less time you spend in the bathroom, the better.
Rule #9: Pretend Jesus is using the bathroom after you. Or Mohammed. Or Shiva. Or Buddha. Or Brigham Young. Or whoever your religion considers someone who would sentence you to eternal damnation for your disgusting habits. The floor isn't part of the toilet. Try to leave the bathroom better than you found it.
Rule #10: Human beings shouldn't shed. That's all I'll say.
Memo to Moses: 10 more for you to engrave onto a stone tablet. If Obama signed these into law by tomorrow, he'd be remembered as the greatest President in the history of the United States. Check that, the greatest leader in the history of the world. But if experience is any guide, I'll have my day ruined by a combination of atleast 3 of these rules by tomorrow. Can't say I didn't try.
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