Monday, 20 October 2008

• Death And All His Friends

  I would normally never answer the stupid "featured question" on the xanga homepage because that's a really cheap way to fill out a blog.  Finding stuff to blog about is 90% of the struggle of a blog, so if you answer lame questions instead of finding topics in everyday life, then you're a liar, a traitor, and a cheat. 
  
  However, this is actually a question that doesn't totally suck like their usual questions.  Stuff like "What do you like on your pizza?" and "Do you like birthday parties?"
  
  The question is as follows: "If you could set a future post for after your death, what would it say?"
  
  What would a future post be for my death?  Oh, I've been stewing on that for years.  I should go to legalzoom.com, make a will right away, and include a post that my executor will deliver.  I'll do that later.  Right after I take care of the other stuff I've put off for months like decorating my apartment, getting renter's insurance, buying stamps, and all the other stuff that sucks that I would hate to do.
  
  I would start off my death declaration, my deathlaration if you will, by telling everyone how much they disappointed me throughout my life and how much it sucked having to put up with them.  I would point out how cool and special I've always been, and how they were normal or even less than normal, and that I was sorry to be stuck with them.
  
  I would go on to talk about how I probably died due to some sort of freak accident: hopefully an elevator accident or a lightning strike.  Then I would say it should have been someone else instead. 
  
  I would implore that everyone read my blog at school, or in church, and basically all the time if they want to learn how to be a real man and be cool for once.  But then I'd say that there's no use because no one can be as cool as me, so why waste your time trying.
  
  Then I would add in some cool pictures of skulls and stuff that are morbid yet also very gratifying.  Something like this:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Then I would be sure that everyone follows the instructions I have set forth in my blog somewhere about my death.
  
  I'm confident that on various occasions I have requested all of the following:
  A) That all my posts be read at my funeral.
  B) That my body is sent into space.
  C) That my body is turned into a zombie.
  D) That my brain is input into a robot.
  E) That my body is turned into a puppet at the funeral.
  F) That my funeral guests are used as zombie food for me.
  
  Any of those things would be good, but preferably all. 
  
  Then, with all that being out in the open, I'd talk about how death isn't so bad and that I really loved everyone and am sorry for dying. 
  
  Then, after everyone has stopped being sad and a few weeks have gone by, I would come out of the cave I was hiding in while faking my death, collect the millions in life insurance I put on myself, and live happily ever after on Mount Tasman in New Zealand.
  
  Dying sounds pretty cool after all.

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