Caution: This story is graphic in nature, and not for the faint of heart. After Monday passing by super fast, today was reset to extra slow again. In fact, it seems like it has been weeks since I was almost killed by rancid meat, but it was actually just earlier today.
It all started this morning, as I made my morningly voyage to Kroger to stock up on the daily rations - gum, and the occasional breakfast-esque item. So I go in, grab my usual 4 packs or so, and then head to look for some food. I decide, "Hey, I'm in the mood for some meat", so I grab a package of roast beef. The usual day so far, right? You couldn't be more wrong.
So, I'm on my drive to work at 6:30 as usual, and it's dark. And I'm sitting, and driving, and listening to the radio, and eating my roast beef breakfast. Half way through the package, I think, "This tastes kind of weird. I'll finish it later." I put it in my bag and continue my way to work.
Then I'm at my office, set up my stuff, and start eating it again. And then, I looked down at my food, and my life flashed before my eyes. That's when I saw it. Tainted meat. Fungal death. My pending demise. Yes, my roast beef had mold on it.
The New Worst Moment of My LifeI immedatiely spit out the chunk I was chewing on all over my keyboard and weighed my options. Throwing up, or death. I decided on death.
So, the rest of the morning was spent holding back my urge to die. Thanks to what was mostly probably psychology, I could feel the mold growing inside of me, turning me into Swamp Thing, or Inside-Out Boy.
I walked around the office just preparing to spontaneously combust at any moment. Or have my body start rejecting itself and my eyeballs flying out like projectiles. Somehow though, thanks to my ultra immune system, luck, prayer, or all of the above, I have lived to post another blog.
It seems like over the past couple of months I have now had about 5 times that qualify as the worst time ever. Even when I decide to make a conscious effort to change my life for the better, I end up eating poisonous beef.
Am I cursed? There's no doubt. But atleast I'm alive. I'd hate to die by eating a haunted package of Kroger beef. That reminds me, don't buy Kroger brand roast beef. It's infected. Eat out of the toilet instead.
And, just for the record, methods of death I'd accept: Lightning strike, elevator malfunction, lion attack. Everything else would just ruin my reputation.
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