Monday, 04 August 2008

• We'll All Float On (The River)

  This weekend was a top-notch Grade A weekend as I went and floated The River down in New Braunfels with a slew of my friends.
  
  It was great as I was able to drink constantly while not blacking out.  Also, I successfully employed what I like to call a Beer Fast.  This is where I don't eat anything all day and just drink beer.  The lack of eating is great for counterbalancing beer calories, and it makes your beer more effective.  A win-win.
  
  Another gigantic win is The Office.  I never wanted to get into it because it was popular.  But wow. 
  
  I have never laughed so hard by myself in my whole life than when I was watching it Sunday post-river.  The scene of Dwight's Speech and Michael's staff meeting in "Drug Testing" forced me to literally have to pause because I was laughing so hard.  Unbelievable. 
  
  Oh yeah, I had another in a long line of close-to-fighting experiences at The River.  It happened when we were passing on our inflatable tires by this bridge.  At said bridge, these jackasses were standing there splashing people like it was all fun and games.  However, I was wearing my $170 sunglasses and didn't want them knocked off by some charlatan.  So I looked at one of the teenagers splashing and said something to the effect of "What the fuck! Stop splashing! I'll kill you" and floated on by.
  
  Then his dad was standing there and was this weird fat guy with a handlebar mustache.  He looked something like this only not as cool.
  
  
  
  So then I was like, "I said I'll kill you!" and he was like "Fuck you!" and flipped me off. So I was like "No, fuck you! I'll kill you! And your stupid mustache!"  And he was like "Come back here!"  And I was like "No, Handlebar! You come here, the river is flowing this way!"  Then I floated off without further incident.
  
  Well, there was one other incident.  I was paddling my arms hard to catch up to my allies and I guess I splashed this fat kid in his tube because he was like, "Would you please stop splashing into my food?" and I turn around and he's eating cracker jack.
  
  
  
  So I was good and beered up and said something like, "No, fuck you.  It's not like you're malnourished."  12 year olds have no respect anymore.
  
  A Moment in the Life
  
  So I came home from working out and I finally went to check my mail.  They keep sending all this crap to the old tenant, Olesya Kortelev.  So, I'm looking at it along with the other junkmail and as a sign of my frustration I say outloud, "Dear Dumbass."
  Then I noticed that this old lady who was walking up to check her mail had stopped dead in her tracks.
  
  Sorry, you old hag, I was talking to another dumbass.

  My water/sewage bill is $1.64.  The convenience fee to pay online is $3.00.  The time it would take me to write a check and get a stamp and mail it would make it not worth it according to my per minute salary at work.  Basically, it's the biggest bullshit ever. 
  
  Oh, and here are some selected pictures of my river trip courtesy of my friend Gaylor Tuidry.  
  
  
  
  
  
  Note the badass sunglasses. And the badass wearing them.

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