Tuesday, 08 July 2008

• Running Calamity

  Here's a submission for the I'm Always Douched By The Universe section.
  
  So, I go to the mall on Sunday and buy myself some new running shoes.  Why? Because all my other running shoes had atleast 500 miles on them.  Literally.  So obviously a new pair is in order.
  
  Proving that advertising works, I get some New Balance shoes.  Because I loved that commercial oh so much.
  
  So, per Sunday tradition, I go running with the Pharmacist Phormerly Known as Philthy Phil.  And after the first 3 miles, I notice that the blister friction incision thingie on the back of my left ankle has started bleeding.  Translation: blood on my new shoes.  Great.
  
  Then, at about mile 4, I'm humming along at an estimated 7.3 mph pace when I trip over a root.  I go flailing towards the ground, causing me to skin my hands, my knee, and my calf.  And making me look like a fool for the one onlooker. 
  
  So then I run the rest of the two miles bleeding profusely from my knee and hands, further soiling my new shoes.  If that's not a sign that someone up there is against me, I'm not sure what is.  Or atleast against me enough to humble me every once in a while with these lame-ass accidents.
  
  Sidenote:  I went to Express on Sunday to claim my 30 dollar coupon when the cash register chick was like "What brings you to the mall so early on a Saturday?" and I was like "It's Sunday."  I think she wanted me.  She complimented my Flash shirt too, that was my other clue.
  
  
  The After Effects
  
  My hand injury sucks too because I have to wash them now to avoid from getting tetanus on my scrapes.
  
  Check out this old goon who "guards" the 24 Hour Fitness.
  
   
  
  He couldn't stop a small child, much less a trained thief or assassin.  He's liable to die at any moment. He's an embarrassment to the badge.
  
  But he's even better than the other guy who guards it sometimes who is about 195 and has a lame arm and smokes a pipe.  Yes, a pipe.  Like a tobacco pipe.  Circa 1893.  I think he got it for his 60th birthday. 
  
  Mix in a security guard born in the 1900's.

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