Sunday, 22 June 2008

• Island in the Sun

  I went to the mall yesterday and I had my first encounter with mall masseuse guy. I'm walking around, minding my own business, and then the ring leader of the massage center setup in the middle of the mall walks up to me and is all like, "Sir! Massage!" and I just gave him the steel eye and the tight jaw and I was like, "No." 
  
  He was Asian and persistent and hit me with a "Massage! Very good! Very good!" and then I responded in kind with a defiant "No way!"
  
  There are atleast half a million reasons why I wouldn't get a massage from this band of retards in the middle of the mall.
  
  First of all, the crew was all male.  And I'm not confident enough to allow some dude to be touching and rubbing on me.  Ain't no way. 
  
  Second, at this time there were atleast 4 people actually getting massages, with their faces in the face holder or whatever.  I'm not going to stick my face, my livelihood, where 45 other nasty oily grills have been that day.  I'd rather stick my face in the public toilet.
  
  
  What Hell Looks Like
  
  And third, why the hell would I ever want to do anything that involves me being some sort of sideshow in the middle of the mall? If I for some unknown reason want a massage, I'll do it in the privacy of an Asian massage parlor that doubles as a pseudo-brothel somewhere.  I don't want people walking by and seeing me getting a massage and thinking "What a loser!", because I know for a fact that when I walk by someone getting a massage in the mall, I think "What a loser!"
  
  I'd rather have my muscles sore and tense for the rest of my life than subject myself to the horror that is a mall massage.
  
  I don't know if I've ever properly sung the praises of a Long Island Iced Tea on here.  The fact that you can mix vodka, gin, tequila, and rum in a single concoction and have it drinkable is remarkable.  But the fact that a Long Island Iced Tea is all those things and is delicious, well that's borderline miraculous. 
  
  
  What Heaven Looks Like
  
  And I'm prepared to come out and say that a Long Island Iced Tea is the Official TZ Mixed Drink of Choice.  Signed, sealed, and delivered.

  • 9:26 AM
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