Sunday, 06 April 2008

• Late Night Musings: TV Edition

  I only bother to watch TV very seldomly, mainly for critical sports events that I can fetch on my antenna, i.e. tonight's basketball games.  It only took about one commercial break to realize why I've been able to give it up so easily.

  • Secret Talents of the Stars - What the F is this? Is Carlos Mencia going to come on and reveal he can do stand-up comedy? Short of Christopher Reeve revealing his talent of reviving himself from the dead and walking, I don't care.  I realize that watching a bunch of C-listers and has-beens dancing somehow captured an audience, but it's got to stop somewhere.  Speaking of Dancing With The Stars, maybe John O'Hurley (actual contestant) will reveal how he parlayed a small recurring role on Seinfeld into a decade of appearing on reality TV shows as a "celebrity".  And then other contestants like Marcus Monroe and Gavin Polone can reveal who the hell they are.
    
    
  • There have been two successful talking babies in the history of the world: Stewie from Family Guy, and the little pink baby dinosaur from Dinosaurs.  Other than that, America has made its hatred for talking babies clear (see the hidden buried corpses of the CBS execs who greenlit "Baby Bob" back in 2002).  Not only do I not want to see a talking baby, I definitely don't want a talking baby telling me to trade stocks.  No one will ever be convinced to use e-trade based on this commercial.  Anyone mildly entertained by this doesn't have enough money to buy stocks, much less the intellectual capacity to log onto and successfully navigate the internet. In fact I personally refuse to ever use e-trade or talk to anyone who didn't immediately cancel their e-trade accounts based on this commercial.
    
    
  • I must be slipping in my old age, because I had no idea that Speed Racer was being made into a movie, much less one coming out next month.  I guess I've been blinded by my anticipation for Iron Man.  Luckily, they advertised Speed Racer on the Final Four coverage so I can make sure not to go see it.  I've been a closet Christina Ricci fan for the last 15 years or so, but she coincidently hasn't made anything relevant for the last 15 years (except for about 1 minute of Prozac Nation ).  And shouldn't Matthew Fox be concentrating on trying to ruin LOST with his horrible acting skills instead of trying to pull off Racer X? And I would comment on the douche playing Speed Racer except all I know about him is that he's the douche playing Speed Racer.  I watched the Speed Racer cartoon series when it inexplicably used to come on MTV in approximately 1992, and I think I'll leave that as the lasting memory I have of it.
    
    
  • Memo to CBS sports: don't bother interviewing college athletes.  The fact of the matter is, professional athletes are rarely interesting or engaging in their interviews, but college athletes never are.  In fact, they usually just come off looking dumb or boring.  I'll go ahead and supply the world with the contents of the next 500 interviews with any athlete.  Just put these phrases in an order of your choice: "It is what it is" "One game at a time" "Intensity" "110 percent" "Focus" "Defensive pressure" "Step up" "Team effort".  And then a few hybrids thereof.  You can thank me later. 
    
    However, what's even worse than dishing out some cliches, is coming off like a total idiot.  I did about four seconds of research and I found this quote proving the fact you should never speak to a college athlete.  From Memphis star Derrick Rose:
    "Going into the game, we knew that we was going to win. Ain't too much to say," Rose said.
    Brilliant. Could the writer atleast help us all out and correct this guy's godawful grammar for him?  It sheds a horrible light on his college, and puts forth an example that speaking like a inbred lobsterman is acceptable.

  I would say something about the actual basketball games I viewed, but that would be even more boring than commenting on the commercials and promos during the games.

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