The other day I was walking home from school and I got behind the smelliest guy of all time. I was about 10 yards behind him and couldstill smell his stench.
I walk about 2.5 times faster than the average person. This is because I walk about 3-4 miles a day, and I also spend much time on the elliptical. This has turned my legs more into pistons than regular human appendages. Somehow though, as if his stink worked as jet fuel, this guy was walking just as fast.
After realizing that his route was very similar to mine, I turned on the afterburners. I passed him, hoping that the immutable laws of physics would mean that his stench could not travel in front of him, so I would be clear of it. Au contraire. Somehow, his body odor fought versus the oncoming win and followed me still. It was here that I realized that I must take evasive maneuvers.
I took an alternate route and was finally free.
Another reason I am faster than most people when walking is because I don't wear sandals. Feet are gross. No one wants to see much less smell your nasty hooves. Wear shoes and socks. This isn't the beach nor is it biblical times. Sandals also slow people down. I always end up behind chubby sorority girls blabbing on their cell phones while wearing huge sunglasses and flip flops. It takes all I have to quell the urge to stick my foot half way up their ass. And then beat them to death with their own shoe. That's normal though, right?
I have wanted to talk about this one brand of loser for a while, but I always forget. This is the super huge goon that clips his backpack onto himself. You know, some backpacks that are made for hiking have like a buckle you can wrap around your waste? Well, some people actually use that. I saw a dude the other day who used two. Damn it, man, you're walking around campus, not scaling Mount Kilaminjaro. I seriously doubt any earthquake or tornado will come that might rip you from your precious backpack. For the love of all thing holy, have some semblance of social consciousness and wear your backpack like a normal person.
However, I might like hiking backpack buckler guy better than message bag carrier guy. Unless you are delivering mail or you're gay, there's no reason to carry a messenger bag. Ever.
I just realized that Xanga's spell checker does not consider "gay" to be a word. Come on, in this age of political correctness, must we take out potentially demeaning words from our spell checkers? I'm offended by this. Greatly.
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