Tuesday, 22 November 2005

• Disclaimer: The following is a satire by Michael W. Tworzydlo. The statements presented have not been verified by the FDA or the USDA.  All rights reserved.
  
  
  THANKSGIVING: A Celebration of the American Holocaust
  
  It's almost time again for the ultimate display of racism and bigotry in a holiday: Thanksgiving.  This is a time when Americans gather with their families to slaughter Turkey, watch American football, and spit on the corpses of the brave Native Americans who once roamed this great land.
  
  We celebrate the Pilgrims, whom out of gratitude for the Native American's help, passed out countless fatal diseases and desimated a once proud race.  Now the Native Americans sit at their casinos, drink "firewater", smokum peacepipe, and further ruin the reputation of their people.  This is a far cry from how the Native Americans lived before the Europeans came hunting for land and scalps.
  
  America was a utopia before 1492.  This was when a man named Christopher Columbus, AKA "Satan" first set foot on American soil.  What he came upon was a virtual paradise.  The Native Americans lived in peace and harmony.  They wanted to help Christopher Columbus.  They gave him corn, tobacco, gold, videogames, hugs, but none of it was enough.  Chris sent for reinforcements, and over the next few centuries, hordes of Europeans came, fully equipped with guns and bloodlust, and destroyed the peace loving Native Americans.
  
  Let me take you back to 1400, before Satan came to kill the Native Americans.  All the tribes and various nations lived in perfect harmony.  Native Americans had no need for weaponry.  They didn't even have a word for "hate" or "kill" or "anal sex".  Their technology was exceptional.  It is an accepted fact that the famous Apache Squanto first invented the airplane in 1235.  His apprentice Samoset became the first Comanche on the moon in 1315.  There were other Native American races too and they had NASCAR and time travel and internet with spam blocking technology.  There was no war.  All disputes were settled by a friendly game of paper, rock, scissors.  Native Americans were the first people to genetically engineer horses too.  And they didn't even bother to make guns because they didn't like to kill eachother.  That's why they became sitting ducks for the Europeans.  Native Americans eraticated disease in 400 B.C. so they had no immunities to the germs and viruses that the white man came packin.
  
  And now, in 2005, we celebrate this holocaust.  We eat the turkey, once a god for Native Americans, and think about how superior we are.  We put on Indian headdresses, run around in circles, drink beers, and then throw our trash on the land that the Native Americans once cherished.  We give thanks, but shouldn't we really be giving apologies?
  
  
  
  
  

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